Tuesday, May 27, 2008

What I have learned from all your emails

I just got this funny email and had to share!! Its funny to me cause I have gotten emails for most of them! Enjoy!
Tara

What I have learned from e-mails:
 
Dear Friends,
 
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you,
 
I  no longer open a public bathroom door without using a  paper towel.
 
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last   person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.  
 
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
 
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. 
 
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose (Although  cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
 
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
 
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
 
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the  glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 
 
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)  who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
 
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the  $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.  Thank God for their Philanthropy !!
 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out   for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
 
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant  freaks with no eyes or feathers.
 
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water  buffalo on a hot day.
 
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward  an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
 
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
 
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car  so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these  products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'  on their cans.
 
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
 
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave  anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
 
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
 
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume  sample and rob me.
 
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al  Qaeda in disguise.
 
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our  American troops or the Salvation Army.
 
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number  for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda;, Singapore and Uzbekistan .
 
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their  recipe.
 
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
 
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
 
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
 
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
 
Have a wonderful day...

6 comments:

Melanie S. Tripp said...

Oh my gosh Tara. I was laughing through that entire thing. I am going to copy that and keep it! That is too funny.

Green Lily Designs said...

I was laughing when I recieved that email too.

*LAYLA & AUSTIN* said...

Thanks for the post--it was hilarious. We laughed while we read it--we had heard most of them but didn't realize how idiotic and paranoid they sounded until reading this entry. I am also going to keep a copy of this--maybe we"ll share it with the guys in correlation tomorrow--they get a kick out of these kind of things. =)

Mike and Felisha said...

I hope you dont mind I copied it and put it on my blog!!

Moncur Clan said...

That is hilarious!! Taylor and I were reading it, he didn't think it was as amusing as I did. Oh well..

The Davis Family said...

Tara-- I love checking your blog. Your always posting! This is a funny post! :) Hope your doing well. Is Braun working out of town and your not moving? Congrats on the pregnancy also.

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